Christian Homeschooling + Sheltered Kids

I recently shared some of my thoughts on homeschooling and socialization on Instagram and how educational choice for our kids is not the primary factor for whether they become well-socialized or not. I made the points that: 1) “social” is a relative term, 2) we all are weird in some way (LOL), and 3) socialization is largely dependent on how parents parent and includes the whole of a child’s upbringing, not ONLY because they were either institutionally educated or home educated).

As part of this conversation, I briefly conceded to the reality that there do exist Christian homeschool kids who are, in fact, over-sheltered and can be awkward (to clarify, I use this term in relation to how these kids engage with non-Christians and how they navigate more “worldly” contexts). The conversation quickly morphed from socialization to sheltering, and whether or not that is a bad thing!

This is just one of the responses I received:

My kiddos are outgoing and confident, but we shelter from the latest trends, songs, etc. Is over-sheltering and being righteous a bad thing? There is so much sin in the world.

I’ve also heard from other parents this summed-up sentiment:

Considering the world we live in today, we NEED to shelter our children for as long as possible.

THE PURPOSE FOR SHELTER

First, let’s remember that shelter is GOOD! It is meant for protection from harmful elements, people, and situations, and there is a time and purpose for sheltering … especially in the younger years! There is already so much happening there with just learning to live as little humans in this daunting world, and young kids shouldn’t be intentionally exposed to its evil simply as a means for teaching (anyway, they’ll inevitably and naturally encounter the sin of this world in some shape or form; it’s already enough to help them negotiate their own!).

Remember that song, “Be Careful Little Eyes What You See”? Part of our jobs as parents of young children is to shield them from harmful influences that can weigh on them mentally, emotionally, and even physically while they are still in the prime development stage of early childhood, and where they naturally lack maturity and the ability to discern anything well.

These early years are for safeguarding our children’s hearts and minds, so that more of the focus is on laying a foundation for what is biblically good, right, and true. We are filling their wells with the knowledge of God and The Bigger Story they are in, and we don’t need other elements distracting from that work.

Years ago, a friend shared with me about a situation that happened with her kindergarten son on the school bus where an older child yanked a special necklace off his little, 6-year old neck and made fun of him for wearing jewelry. What in the world?! Her story only further cemented or decision to homeschool our children (my own son was only about 4 at that time). Our young children are barely learning how to read and write, tie their shoes, hold their forks the right way … we don’t need those kinds of negative influences burdening their precious minds, hearts, and souls, and also killing the inherent wonder about the world we are in!

In his book, Raising Spiritual Champions, George Barna (of the Barna Group, a Christian research organization) shares that, according to research, a person’s worldview begins to develop between the 15-month to 18-month age range, and that most people’s worldview is established by the age of thirteen (and changes very little, if at all, later in life)! This means that these early and crucial years of parenting is our prime window for intentional discipleship.

But here is another point that needs to be made: The ultimate form of shelter and protection over your kids is by equipping them with God’s word and helping them cultivate a genuine and authentic relationship with Jesus, who will lead them accordingly in their lives, even through trial and tragedy. HE (not you) is their shelter … and is the only, real way they will be able to navigate this world unscathed.

MOVING BEYOND THE SHELTER (OR NOT)

Sadly, as children continue to grow and transition from childhood to adolescence, a good number of parents – instead of equipping their kids with practical wisdom for how to navigate the realities of the world we are in; instead of giving them the opportunity to actively apply the truths and ways of our faith that have been instilled in them since early childhood – continue to prolong insulation (this what I mean when I use the term “over-sheltered”). As well, they further tighten their grip in the attempt to control their kids’ lives (under the guise of protection); the kind of control that stunts their children’s ability to exercise their own moral compass and build their own muscles in what it really means to live by absolute truth and being Spirit-led.

This looks different for each family, but some examples are: not allowing their kids to listen to music that isn’t exclusively Christian, not getting to watch a show or movie because there happens to be gay characters or bad words in it, not letting them cultivate friendships with kids who don’t necessarily fit the mold, not being able to attend certain social functions (particularly ones hosted by non-Christians), etc. … lest they become “tainted”, fall into temptation, and get hurt in some shape or form (or, worse, lest they make their parents look bad as they do so).

Newsflash: For one – our children are already tainted (apart from the imputed righteousness of Christ if they choose to receive Him as their Savior and Lord)! Frankly, if you believe that your children are inherently somewhat “good” and that your job to is to prolong that “goodness” as long as you possibly can, then you need to read Romans 3:23. Secondly – our job as parents is not merely to keep them safe, but in leading them to the only One who IS, so that, in relationship with Him, they may know how to handle the obstacles of this unsafe world.

We cannot, nor will not, ever be their Holy Spirit, and we need to gift our children with opportunity to learn how to ultimately be led by God’s voice, not ours! Keeping them boxed in with rules and lots of “do nots” (that maybe worked well when they were a young child) will not only create resentment and potential rebellion, but also will not give them the chance to exercise their God-given agency.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF OVER-SHELTERING

Here’s the thing, this really has a lot more to do with a parents’ own lack of gospel identity, security, and trust in God’s sovereignty … forgetting that there is a Greater Parent who does have a plan and purpose for their children’s lives, including all the valleys that may come their way.

As a result, many young adolescents from these kinds of families don’t know how to actually apply the gospel in gritty situations, because they aren’t given ample opportunity to do so, both for themselves and their faith walk and for how to engage with others in their community.

FOR THEMSELVES AND THEIR FAITH WALK:

There are pretty sobering statistics about youth who have grown up in Christian families, including the fact that two-thirds of them end up “falling way” from the church (based on a 2017 Lifeway Study), meaning that the majority of our children end up not owning their own faith, despite having been trained up in functional Christianity. Not exactly in line with most parents’ hopes that their kids would know and love Jesus as adults!

Even new research supports this alarming trajectory of our youth. Between 2021-2023, Barna and others conducted surveys of early teens (again, whose worldview is pretty much set in place for the rest of their lives), and concluded that less than 1% of 13- to 14-year old Americans possess a biblical worldview!

How is this happening when these very same kids have grown up in protective Christian homes, attended church on Sundays, did VBS every summer, and were active participants in their youth group? Where they grew up reading their bibles, have memorized scripture, and can even tell you why Jesus left the throne room of heaven and came to earth as a humble infant?

I argue that the biggest contributing factor to this problem is the lack of gospel fluent discipleship, both in the parents and in the process of parenting their children. It’s one thing to know about who Jesus is and what He did for us, but another thing to embody His good news in a way that it actually serves as the filter through which we look at our lives and everything in it (good and bad), as well as our ability to identify and speak gospel truths into any given situation. Functional Christianity is NOT discipleship; anyone can check off boxes! The real question is if one is truly tethered to Jesus.

Lacking in gospel fluency then fuels parents’ worries, fears, and anxieties towards their children and their children’s futures, necessitating the over-sheltering that does more harm than intended. Our inclination to control and insulate is actually indicative of our erroneous core belief that we have some kind of ability or power to do better than God – who holds all things in His hand and by whose authority anything or anyone on earth can exist and move.

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?

Lamentations 3:37

“Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? Can you loosen Orion’s belt? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God’s dominion over the earth? Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?”

Job 38:31-35

We then have kids from these families who, though may very well know right from wrong, have not exercised their own muscle to apply that knowledge in real, practical ways for themselves, outside of the semi-sanitary bubble of life they have been kept in (where their only dynamic relationships are between themselves and their siblings, extended relatives, and parent-selected friendships). Knowledge does not equal wisdom, and I fully believe that parents serve their growing children well when they learn to release their protective grip and allow them “to be in the world, but not of the world”. That way, when they embark on their adult journeys, there isn’t that paralyzing shock factor that causes them to completely toss aside all the superficial checkboxes of their “Christian” faith and choosing to pursue an entirely different, less constrictive road than what they have known.

WITH OTHERS IN COMMUNITY:

A few examples to drive my point home:

I serve as a youth group leader for my church (an amazing, bold, and gospel-centered one) and have personally witnessed some Christian homeschool kids, who have grown up in well-meaning (yet clearly overprotective) homes, have a difficult time engaging with visiting students who don’t necessarily fit the profile of “clean, tidy Christian”. They struggle with stepping outside of their comfort zones and engaging with these “outliers” … and worse, have made disdainful, judgmental comments due to first impressions or appearance! As well, they don’t necessarily know how to interact when others share things like their raw, broken story of family dysfunction. Sure, one can argue that exclusivity and judgmentalism may very well be a mark of the teen generation as a whole, regardless of context – whether in Christian settings or otherwise – but I personally feel that those of us who call ourselves torch-bearers for the Kingdom are called to a higher standard! If we truly are raising radically missional kids, then we need to do a better job of instilling empathetic and gracious hearts that are not hesitant or afraid to step into “messier” situations.

My own son recently shared with me that his peers were having a discussion about how they could be effective in standing up for life and the ways they could discourage other teens from having abortions. One super sweet homeschool kid, rightfully zealous for God, basically communicated, “Well, we just need to tell them to read the bible and that abortion isn’t part of God’s design … we need to tell them the truth that (insert him proceeding to communicate all the TRUE things we as Christians know and believe about the sanctity of life).” One of their public-schooled peers basically shut that idea down and told the sweet homeschool kid that if they came at it like that, they’d close doors fast. No one would give them the time of day, even if they have the truth! Our Christian homeschooled kids may possess truth, but some lack in being able to “speak the language” of the culture that will give them a chance to even share that truth.

A veteran homeschool mama shared with me that her first child, when he came home for holiday during his first semester of college, told her he wished he was taught more about how to handle the real world; that she did a great job of teaching God’s word and ways, and so he knew what to aim for personally, but was not equipped how to engage dynamically in this different, more “broken” setting.

I share all this because, unfortunately, there are kids (despite how amazing and sweet they are) who possess strong theology, yet practically do not know how to be a light in this dark world in a way that is empathetic or winsome, or just in a way where they can adroitly step into specific situations with the gospel! The drawback to these kinds of situations is potentially closing doors to missional opportunities, and even being excluded from circles that indeed need the light of Jesus, just because they are either fearful, awkward, or worse – critical and disapproving – towards others who live by the world’s standards.

I love this one analogy from Crosswalk.com: “It’s a lot like a boat in the water. The boat is designed to float in the water – to be in the water, surrounded by it on all sides. But there should not be any water in the boat. Our goal as followers of Christ is to actively engage our culture with the Gospel without allowing the culture’s ungodly morals, values, attitudes, and behaviors to infiltrate our lives. Unfortunately, many sincere Christians struggle to get it right.” And – I add – many sincere Christian parents don’t even allow the boats to get in the water.

OUR ROLE AS PARENTS

Despite our hearts, we can still fall short in showing our kids how to bridge the gap between God and the godless. I have to make this hard-to-hear point: If parents doubt if their adolescent children are equipped well enough to navigate the “big, bad world”, then what needs to be examined is whether they have truly been intentional in raising their children with a strong foundation in the early years (one of gospel identity and fluency, and not simply of checking off Christian boxes).

While we can’t control outcomes, we have been commanded to partner with God via the Deuteronomy 6 command. And we need to learn to train up our children with gospel hearts, eyes, and ears … where instead of going, “Oohhh, I’m not going to talk with that kid who says bad words and smokes,” our kids can go, “There’s a story behind that person and their behavior, and I’m going to press in without fear, cultivate a relationship with them (hey, we all have God-given desire to want to be known), so that one day, they may allow me to speak into their lives and want to actually listen.” Or, where instead of going, “That kid is a missional opportunity! I’m going to tell them I love them, start evangelizing, and bible thumping for their own good,” (really awkward, not gonna lie, LOL), they know how to engage “artfully” so that those peers aren’t making a beeline to the closest exit!

If we have done our imperfect best in this area, there should be no reason to allow our children to experience more of the world as they continue to grow and mature! This gives them opportunity to further cement the gospel identity that has (hopefully) been imparted to them as well as to grow in learning how to apply God’s word and hear His voice in very real situations (whether that be through processing media, navigating relationships, how to handle various social contexts, etc.). Not to mention, this serves as equal opportunity for us as parents to exercise our own faith, trust, and surrender … and model in real time what that looks like for our very aware adolescent children.

With a strong, gospel-centered foundation, we can give our tweens/teens the freedom to start experiencing the world, yet know that they will not be negatively affected! This is because they fully understand the metanarrative of life: that God created the world GOOD … yet through the fall of man, sin entered and put the story on a trajectory of destruction … but also know the story gets better because of a redeemer-restorer (Jesus Christ) … and that as those called into the Kingdom, they now get to be ambassador-warriors who have the unyielding power of the Holy Spirit to help them overcome the enemy and dark forces that attempt to lure them away from righteousness.

I think too often, Christian parents (especially homeschoolers) do not give enough credit to their children, as well as underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives! What’s the point of teaching our growing kids to armor up when all we do is keep them behind fortresses?

AND, even if they do get tempted (which, let’s face it, they WILL), we can trust and surrender our children to God, knowing He (if they are in Him) will work all things for their good and according to His purpose, finding comfort that it is through those messier and even painful instances we actually grow, are sanctified, and are refined for God’s glory.

Caveat: Each situation and relationship is obviously unique and discernment from us as parents is critical! They obviously still need us as they find their feet towards adulthood. I’m not saying throw your kids to the wolves for the sake of mission or for the sake of stretching our kids and calling it good. I’m saying don’t be afraid to give your kids opportunity to step outside of their “safe, homeschool bubbles” so they can start learning how to live in this broken world on their own, with you alongside to help speak gospel truths into every situation and relationship they navigate.

We need to learn to live by the values we impart to our children: that we can trust in God and His promises; that as long as we seek His will and ways, He is for us and hems us in from the front and behind as we navigate this broken world; that our lives are also about daily surrendering to Him and there is nothing we really can do outside of His sovereign hand; and that He is the Greater Parent … not just for them, but for us as well.