How to Stay Out of the Comparison Trap

Comparison. The trap that we mothers (all women, in fact) fall into; the trap of looking outside of the life we have been blessed with and sizing it up with another’s.

We plug along trying to do our best but when we look around, it seems that someone else is doing better. We gauge our efforts against theirs, and before we know it we can feel inadequate or discouraged.

Conventional Strategies to Help Overcome Comparison

I once read an article about Satan stealing our motherhood, and there were specific examples made about what contributes to Satan’s joy. These examples were rooted in comparison:

“He loves it when you wish you were the mom with the skinny jeans and tall boots and shiny hair with the perfectly groomed kids at the mall play area. You look at her and think you are sub-par. Satan loves that.”

“Satan also loves it when you get scared because someone posted a random video online of how their four year old can read, so you freak out that YOUR four year old is more interested in roaming outdoors and  playing with bobby pins and giving them names, so you panic because books are the last thing on her mind. Satan is clapping now.”

We’ve all been in this trap before, and I know we have all attempted to implement a myriad of “techniques” to overcome the comparison challenge, like:

1. Resolving to “just not do it” – just not compare our lives to others’

Well, that’s easier said than done. It’s like mustering up the will power to avoid that extra cookie or the will power to haul yourself to the gym. We know it’s what’s good for us, but try as we might, more often than not, our flesh will fail.

And frankly, we ALL compare – it is how humanity operates (for better or worse) in this world. The comparison is not so much the issue, as it is what our heart’s response is when we do.

2. Applying avoidance techniques

Doing things like not logging onto Instagram or shutting down our Facebook accounts may help with combating comparison for a little while, but there will inevitably be other ways that other peoples’ lives will stir a discontent or discouragement in our own. While applying avoidance techniques can serve as a practical strategy for the interim, they don’t address the root of the problem of our heart’s response when making comparisons.

3. Reminding ourselves that other moms surely don’t have it all together

We can play the mind game that for every share that another mama may post on social media, there are way more failures, right? We can find momentary comfort when we remind ourselves that not everyone’s life is perfect, or at least as rosy as it may seem … because, really, we are all on the same boat. Yeah, that might help a little bit with making us feel a little better about ourselves …

4. Exercising a discipline in counting our blessing daily

Gratefulness is actually a considerably fruitful practice that helps with cultivating joy in our lives. And it is one solid way we can fight discontentment and discouragement, for times we happen to covet other families’ lanes in life. But even then, we still need to dig deeper to the root of our feelings of inadequacy or discouragement when we compare our lives to others’.

The Gospel is the Best “Strategy”

Yes, we can employ different strategies to combat falling into the trap of comparison. But you know what will truly help us avoid falling into that trap in the first place (or at least will help us get out quickly when we do)?

Embracing and leaning into our identity in Christ!

1. Meditate on What the Gospel Means in Your Life

But first … I think it’s important, that as Christians, we should reflect on the fact that, apart from Jesus, we actually don’t deserve anything good in this life. In fact, because of our sin, the only thing we deserve is death.

Whatever “good” things we have right now – our homes, our careers, our families, our health … even our ability to dream and plan for the future … it is only because of God’s graciousness and goodness that we have any of these things. And, gosh, it is only because of His graciousness and goodness that we can even take the very breaths we are taking right now.

Frankly, God did not have to give any of that to us. And He certainly did not have to give us a hope for an eternal life that is infinitely better than the “good” life we have in this world.

But here’s the thing – He did.

2. Meditate on Your Gospel Identity

And because He did, we possess a very special identity. One that is redeemed and restored to the Creator of this world – a world, as glorious and magnificent as it can be, is still considered a footstool compared to the Holy and Almighty God! A Holy and Almighty God that we now get to call Abba, Father.

And our Father tells us:

Because of God’s sacrifice, you have been given a new life! A very special life that does not need to find it’s worth in how it measures up to others in this world.

It’s a life that instead finds it’s worth in the fact that God loved you enough to make a way for you. It’s a life that was intentionally, fearfully, and wonderfully crafted in your mother’s womb. It’s a life that God holds as precious in His sight and that He intends to use for His glory.

Do you deserve it? Absolutely not. But that is what makes this identity like no other.

God chose YOU before the foundations of the earth and gifted YOU with something that others in this world desperately seek and strive for, even if they don’t know that is what they are seeking or striving for (true security, true peace, true hope, true joy).

And you know what? That’s not the only thing!

3. Meditate on Your Gospel Purpose

You have been set apart for a special purpose as well.

God specifically designed and created the unique YOU that you are, with a unique purpose in mind. Your personality, your preferences, your giftings, your failures, your hurts, your joys, the way you laugh and the way you cry, your physical appearance … even His timing and placement. If you are in Christ, you can trust that He made an exclusive YOU, for an exclusive part in His story that only YOU can play.

Part of that role is as an ambassador for God’s kingdom. As such, you have been charged with the honorable and worthy task of going into your corner of this dark world to bring light, and your mission is dependent – in part – on the unique aspects of your life that God equipped you with. There is only one YOU and God did that for a reason!

Security in Your Identity Causes You to Embrace Others’ Identities

I am genuinely praying that you, dear reader, will find security in all of this … in the fact that you were intentionally and specifically designed by God with a certain role, in a certain place, to certain people, during this specific scene in this grand epic of life. That as you embrace your identity in who you are because of Jesus’ blood – and in who God crafted you to be –  you would also be able to embrace the identities of others you encounter who you would normally compare yourself against.

So when you see that put-together mom with the stylin’ kids at the playground?

You genuinely admire her for rockin’ her unique self that God created her to be, and maybe even start chatting with her (because who knows, she might just need to feel acknowledged today, and when you say, “Hi, your kids are so adorable”, she gets the little spark of light that God knew she needed to experience that morning).

Or when another’s 4-year old child is reading classic novels?

You find sincere joy in another mom’s pride and excitement … because she and her kid are walking the walk God put them on. As for your own 4-year old exploring the outdoors, fascinated with bobby pins, and could care less about her ABC’s? You marvel at the inquisitive nature that God gave her for her natural environment, and are encouraged that both of you have your own distinct path to follow that God has planned as mother and child.

So comparison? Yeah, it’s easy to see certain aspects of other people’s lives and measure yours against theirs. It’s easy to covet their successes and to feel inadequate because the lack of yours in the same areas. It’s easy to feel insecure about your appearance when you keep your eyes on others’.

But when you start to gauge your life against someone else’s … I challenge you to remember:

You are exactly who God intends you to be, at the place that you are at, with the people you are with, growing and being sanctified as He calls you.

Let that truth settle in your bones and secure yourself in the fact that God did not randomly mold you nor randomly set you on your life’s course. He did so with intention. And that as His child, there’s no good reason another person’s life should make you feel anything less than the wonderful, loved YOU that God masterfully created and graciously gifted.