Teaching Siblings How to Handle Conflict
When my kids were younger, they would get in pretty legit fights … just like other siblings. I mean, they still can get into it, but not nearly in the same way as they did when they were much smaller, SUPER selfish human beings who lacked GREATLY in self-control, LOL.
The “Go Figure It Out Yourselves” Approach
I had observed other families let their kids deal with conflict by themselves; their reasoning being that their kids would need to work out differences when they grow up, so might as well let them learn how to do so now. I’d literally witness them send their kids off to a room to go “figure it out” instead of do the hard work of getting to the heart of the matter.
But that just never settled well with me!
Proverbs 22:6 tells us:
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
And, frankly, the way we would NATURALLY go is towards our own fleshly desires! So, if we DON’T take the time and energy to train up our children in how to handle conflict well, they will absolutely NOT depart from THAT!
This verse is often looked at as an exhortation to train up our children in God’s way, which it absolutely is.
But it is equally a warning … that if our kids are trained up in the way they are inclined to go as sinners (due to lack of intentional gospel-centered discipleship), they will not depart from that kind of life!
Look, younger children don’t have the maturity and reasoning and full biblical wisdom to resolve conflict on their own!
It really boggled my mind that parents could be so hell-bent on ensuring their kids can read, write, and do arithmetic – even at really young ages, yet could be sooo lax in teaching and training up their kids in how to handle other aspects of their life with biblical wisdom and character. They were very intentional about schoolwork (prioritizing academics over all other things) but not as much when it came to pressing into messier situations that don’t have checkboxes for parents to mark along the way.
I witnessed that the fruit of those other families’ choice to let their kids handle things on their own only led to manipulative tactics, lying, and fractured relationships between the siblings … with no true resolution or restoration. They’d simply move forward just to NOT get in trouble by the parents! As well, these children spent years not knowing how to own their own sin, repent, or offer forgiveness.
The “Press In Even If It Takes More Time and Energy” Approach
Here’s how it looked like in our home/homeschool:
1. Take captive my own thoughts and assess my own emotions. I’d try to make sure I was entering the situation as calm as possible. I had to keep practicing to surrender my own desire and identity of having a peaceful home with kids who always get along … because that just isn’t reality! (Straight talk … I rarely did this well but, now, see that my imperfect attempts at this still has borne fruit.).
2. Then I’d say a quick prayer, asking God to give me the right words to say, recognizing that this was very much a real teaching opportunity, one more impactful than any academic lesson (in fact, I personally feel parents should view organic discipleship opportunities in this way!). I’d ask the Holy Spirit to be the one working in this moment.
3. I’d enter the scene and find out what they were arguing about. As you might guess, one wanted their own way and the other wanted a different way. Selfishness at its finest, LOL. I wouldn’t come in simply to tell them to, “Knock it off!” and force them to apologize to each other just so I didn’t have to hear any more arguing. I took the time to investigate and let each child present his/her side of the story (without interruption from the other party).
4. THIS is where gospel fluency comes in. After they’d each lay out their “case”, I would then point out in each child where I saw they were not laying down their own desire(s) and elevating their selfishness. “How are you placing yourself in the position of God right now?” is something I’d ask. We’d discuss what God says about selfishness, arguing or whining and I’d bring in how the gospel should inform our thinking and behavior … namely, that we actually have no rights to anything apart from what Jesus has given us, but thankfully, even in our selfishness, He humbled Himself and laid down His own life to make a way for us to even have rights we don’t deserve. And because of the undeserved grace and mercy bestowed on us, we should live in such a way where we want to live like Jesus did, by the power of the Holy Spirit:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Philippians 2:3-5
I Never Forced My Kids to Apologize to Each Other
Sounds ludicrous coming from a Christian parent, doesn’t it?
Hear me out.
I was never one to make my kids do things that didn’t come from the heart. (I mean, in instances like safety, then yeah … “Hey, you’re going to hold my and NOT walk into the busy street even if you really want to right now!”). When I say this, I’m referring to deeper issues that shape one’s character.
BUT, this doesn’t mean I didn’t intentionally steer them to reflect on their heart issues so that they could then be compelled, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to genuinely repent and ask for forgiveness.
I had seen too often kids being forced to say, “I’m sorry,” when they really weren’t. And where:
- The parent thought all was good, simply because a few placating words were said, therefore not truly getting to the heart of the issue (selfishness), and
- The kids were trained up in the idea that such few placating words are good enough to end (or at least mitigate further) conflict, therefore never really learning how to resolve conflict biblically, nor never really learning to own their own sin and see their real and utter need for the gospel!
With this kind of intentional and consistent discipleship, my kids have changed and grown and have become more sanctified, as they’ve had to learn to take the finger of blame off their sibling and onto themselves. It’s a muscle they (all of us) have been growing over YEARS and one that we still have to exercise every friggin’ day!
And – I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again – these were the real lessons of our homeschooling journey. I was firm about not letting “school” get in the way of building gospel-centered kids.
Now, as teens, I see the fruit of this kinds of “curriculum” … where my kids now are pretty much built-in besties. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they can frustrate the heck out of each other. On the daily even (shoot, even multiple times a day). But they also have the gospel as their common denominator and they are FULLY aware that this life is a life of “refining rubbing” as God continues to use them and their messiness to keep pointing them to their Savior and Lord.
They all are quick to own the fact that they are not perfect and are in constant need of Jesus’ redeeming power. They know how to genuinely repent and forgive each other (in their timing, which actually isn’t very long). And because of that, they have forged powerful bonds with each other that cannot easily be broken.
Need Help with This Yourself?
My friend, Kerry Beck, is teaching a FREE masterclass on May 21 and 22 (you can pick one to attend), where she will share more about building Godly character in your kids, as well as her other 4 Steps to Raise Christian Leaders in Your Homeschool!
She gave me a private invitation so you can attend for FREE.
Here’s the thing, without a foundation of Godly character, the rest of education does not mean much. So, register now for wisdom to help you as a disciple-maker! You won’t want to miss it!
A Note on Peacemaking
“A peacemaker is someone who is willing to resolve both outer and inner turmoil in order to establish peace with others and within themselves. Inevitably, peacemaking will require engaging in conflict and tension to help bring the situation to a solid place. A peacekeeper, on the other hand, desires to maintain peace by avoiding conflict. They typically give in to the tension or steer clear of disagreement to keep others happy. Peacekeepers hate rocking the boat; therefore, they will sacrifice their own inner peace to maintain the “facade” of peace with others. Peacekeepers may look like peacemakers, but only one group is experiencing true peace.” – Kaitlin Garrison, The Barefoot Blog
This is what I endeavor to teach and model to my own kids. Shoving things under the rug in the name of “peace” does no one a favor … in fact it’s a selfish pursuit of complacency, and even protection. Bringing issues to light is definitely painful but when things aren’t addressed, not only are resolution and reconciliation thwarted, but so is personal and spiritual growth.
Raising my kids with this heart means engaging in dialogue when they have sinned against each other (so that means OFTEN 🙈🥴😆). I discourage stewing and instead encourage them to flesh things out. I am right there with them to help facilitate and ultimately point all parties involved to the Gospel and how that should implicate our responses to whatever injustices were felt from the specific circumstance.
Let me tell you – that is no easy work! It is tiring, frustrating, and I usually add to the mess with my imperfect efforts. But the beauty of this work is that we don’t need to be perfect … we just need to do our part offering our attempts to God, who takes them and magnifies them and redeems them.
Let’s be and raise peace MAKERS. ❤