How to Encourage Kids to Do Hard Things Without Them Feeling Resentful
First off, there have been lots of times my kids have totally felt resentful for doing things they don’t want to do!
I think that’s human nature and I don’t believe there will ever be anyone who doesn’t ever struggle with this.
With that said, we mitigate those resentful feelings by reminding them that their lives are not their own and that they’ve been given the privilege to partake in the bigger story they are part of. Instilling a big picture perspective about the world, their lives in it, and their identity in Christ really has been a huge factor in helping our kids navigate hard/uncomfortable situations with grace.
But let’s unpack the different kinds of hard/uncomfortable things our kids may encounter:
“Smaller” things like trying out a new activity or class that they may not necessarily have considered for themselves.
In these instances, we remind our kids that God gave us to them as their parents and that we see things about them they don’t necessarily see themselves. So, when we nudge for trying out something new or something they may initially not want to do, it is because we either: 1) see they need to challenge themselves in getting outside their comfort zone so they can grow as they’ve communicated they desire, or 2) we see giftings/strengths in them that they may not necessarily have confidence in but, as their parents, know that new experiences could help bolster that.
When Big Bro was younger, he was extremely shy. But he also LOVED playing soccer. He was given the opportunity to become a youth referee, which also meant an opportunity to earn some money (which he really wanted to do!). He wasn’t necessarily keen on the idea of doing it because he was afraid of the pressure (and fanatic parents, LOL) and almost didn’t try it out. But we challenged him with both the reality that he was good at what he did as a soccer player and was really primed for being a good referee (based on other strengths we saw in his character) AND the fact that his identity is in Christ alone and to not have fear of man (even if they are adults). There was more to our conversations with him but ultimately, he did choose to step outside of his comfort zone and signed on to become a youth referee … who ultimately got recognized and awarded for being exceptional at his job on the field!
“Bigger” things like relationships with those who aren’t necessarily easy to be around or who they don’t have natural connections with.
In these instances, we remind them that as part of our call as everyday missionaries for God’s kingdom, we need to have gospel eyes and ears for those God puts on our paths. Everyone has a story and so we have always challenged our kids to learn what others’ stories are that could be informing their quirkiness/behavior/attitude (especially if they are difficult). This has helped cultivate compassionate and empathetic hearts. Not to mention, there’s the reality is that we are all pretty “unlovable” in some way or another, yet God still demonstrated his grace and mercy towards us through Jesus … so who are we to hold ourselves above others in such a way that we can easily abandon relationships or disregard outliers?
Now, I’m not talking about truly unhealthy or dangerous relationships. I’m only referring to everyday, run-of-the-mill situations with others who may have difficult personalities or even others who may not seem to fit into their social circles.
Another “big” thing is their attitude with working (in the home, in the community, at a job).
Related to the idea of doing hard/uncomfortable things is how to cultivate a strong work ethic in children who can not only look at work without resentment but as a privilege.
Let’s face it – many children (and many adults) despise the idea of work, particularly in the form of chores or schoolwork or serving in situations they may not necessarily want to serve in (i.e. helping care for a younger sibling). We are selfish people who live in a culture of ease and comfort, so the idea of working hard or serving sacrificially isn’t necessarily something we’d sign up for if we didn’t have to!
But for our family, we’ve tried to reframe the idea of work and have raised our kids with the truth that work is good and is a beautiful idea created by God. Even before the fall, Adam and Eve were commanded to be fruitful and multiply and were given the authority to have dominion over what God had created. They were created for and commanded to do work! And work is an aspect of God’s character that we GET TO emulate as we produce and maintain the environments we have been gifted to live in.
A lot of this has to do with addressing heart issues of entitlement and pride. When our children begin to complain about any work we require them to do (namely housework), we point out their beliefs at the moment, which is always tied to entitlement and pride. And then we remind them of the gospel and how undeserving they are apart from the sacrificial work that Jesus did on their behalf. Frankly, when we bring the gospel to bear in those moments, our kid sober up pretty quickly. But here’s the thing, that really only works if your kids actually value and love Jesus.
So, how do we mitigate resentment when trying to encourage our kids to do hard/uncomfortable things?
My answer is and will always be: THE GOSPEL. Not some parenting hack or new strat that a popular blogger or author has been pitching. Always, always the gospel.
When you raise gospel-centered, gospel-powered kids, they become people who can look at situations with a big picture perspective that squashes any resentment that may come up. When they are reminded of what God did for them through Jesus and what they deserve apart from him, there is an undercurrent of gratefulness and humility about the life they get to live, so that when those moments arise, it’s easier to bring them back to the right frame of mind … which is the fact their they were bought at a price, through the blood of Jesus, and were not only saved FROM something but saved FOR something. They are called to do good works that their father in heaven prepared in advance for them to do. So when they do hard or uncomfortable things? They do it knowing they’ve been called and knowing who they are as children of God.
An especially important book on this topic, that all three of my kids have read, it: Do Hard Things by brothers Alex and Brett Harris.
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The kinds of things I shared here are what truly makes up the bulk of our homeschool (lifeschool) days … I’ve never looked at my role as a home educator and my role as a parent as two separate things. I’m simply a disciple of Jesus, who is making disciples for Jesus.
And as part of that identity, my heart has always been for prioritizing life and leadership skills (yes, even over academics) in our home.
If you are wanting to get more equipped in these areas so that you can prepare your kids for their adult lives as future leaders for the kingdom, the Life Skills Leadership Summit is happening the week of February 24-28, 2025! The best part? It’s FREE!
I do an interview with summit host, Kerry Beck, about how sibling conflict resolution titled, Beyond ‘I’m Sorry’: Gospel-Centered Conflict Resolution for Raising Peacemakers.
And there will be so many other parents/speakers who will share their expertise and wisdom to help give you the boldness to hop off the educational conveyor belt so that you can truly give your kids an elite education, not just schooling; meaning equipping them with practical, real-life skills to help them succeed in life and in this broken world.