My Story, Part 5: An Answer
A Well-Intentioned Journey
I asked those “Who Am I?” questions often in that season because I just wanted to live a life that glorified my Creator. As a new Christian, I was so humbled and awed over Jesus’ sacrifice for me and my ghetto ugliness that I genuinely desired to spend the rest of my days honoring HIM.
But how was I to accomplish that while also maintaining the authenticity of the person God knit uniquely together in my mother’s womb? How did that translate in my new roles of stay-at-home wife/mom, in a entirely different context than what I grew up with, far away from my support of family and friends?
That well-intentioned journey started off as a really messy one, filled loneliness and confusion, as I struggled with how that was supposed to look like for me and my family.
Valleys
Along the way, hardship and heartache added to our burdens as God humbled us financially and as we tried to navigate a marriage experiencing the effects from our separate, sinful and irrevocable pasts.
I also suffered from postpartum depression after Spawn #2 came on scene. Deep, dark thoughts about whether or not I was worthy or not to be alive, coupled with an existing identity crisis (because that was what it felt like at the time), is not a good combination. In fact, it led to a desperate, fateful moment, where – if it wasn’t for what I believe as absolute divine appointment – I easily could not be typing out these words today.
We Do Not Wrestle Against Flesh and Blood
By God’s grace, I eventually realized I could not figure this out on my own. I distinctly remember one watershed day, when I strapped Spawn #2 to a bouncy seat and set Spawn #1 (now a full-fledged toddler) in front of the T.V., armed with a huge box of Goldfish crackers. I had been treading water mentally and emotionally, trying not to drown in the lies that things would be better off if I just went home to be with Jesus.
But I grabbed a different kind of weapon that afternoon, one that put the enemy in the ground instead of me. Sounds kinda hokey, but it was like the Holy Spirit took a hold of me (because that’s how seriously out of fight I was) and made my brain and heart cry-ask:
“Lord, please help me. What the heck am I doing?! What the heck do you want me to do?!”
I proceeded to open my not-read-enough bible, not really knowing where to go to in it. It was a surreal experience, actually, because it was as if something/someone else had taken over me, making me flip through pages. I had lost that much hope and life; I was past empty.
“Just speak to me, Lord. Tell me what you want me to know.”
And for probably the first time in my faith walk, I heard him speak. It was inaudible, but it was loud and it was clear as he deeply impressed upon my heart:
I was exactly who he wanted me to be – his daughter.
I was exactly where he wanted me to be – at his feet.
I was doing exactly what he wanted me to be doing – HUMBLY seeking his direction and will, recognizing how much I needed him.
I don’t even remember the pages of scripture I landed on, but what I do remember is that whatever words were there seemingly jumped off the page and landed as soothing balm on my desperate heart. And as those words renewed and transformed my mind, I began to grow an unsatiable thirst for more of the same. Clearly, I had been starved for truth and light found only in God’s word even though I was a Christian (up until then, I often primarily sought out the world’s wisdom for the antidotes to my problems).
So for a couple straight weeks, Mickey’s Clubhouse babysat my kids while I did a sort of bible reading gymnastics. As I spent time soaking up God’s word, the Holy Spirit literally rained down simple revelation about who God is and who I was because of who He is.
Rest in my Identity
I didn’t need to strive to become some different or better version of myself for God (or anyone else); He already loved me completely and perfectly because of His Son’s once-and-for-all sacrifice. “For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Because of Jesus, I was already made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17), brought to fullness in Christ (Colossians 2:10). And not only was I redeemed; I was given a special inheritance as “a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession” (1 Peter 2:9).
I didn’t need to try to BE or DO anything. I simply needed to REST in the finished work of the cross.
Friends, I want to pass on that same reminder. If you feel like I did – lonely, confused, hopeless, empty, like a misfit, unfulfilled, depressed, anxious, frustrated, (or fill in whatever negative emotion(s) you may be experiencing right now) – I encourage you turn quickly toward the One who knows you even more intimately than you do, who knit you uniquely in your mother’s womb. It’s a futile attempt to go at life in your own flesh. Let him be the voice you heed, not others or their opinion of you. Whatever it is you are seeking answers or direction for, God will supply your needs when you draw near to him in surrender.
If we can trust in God’s ability to save us from the depths of hell, then surely we can trust in his ability to provide comforting presence and real, practical guidance as we meander this temporary world. We just need to go first to HIM. Even as we stumble along the way, saying things like, “Dude, my bad.”
Below are the links to each part of the “My Story” series:
You Are Reading My Story: Part Five